Several years ago I experienced one of the most traumatic events of my life. my husband and I had recently returned from our honeymoon in Florida to discover a few weeks later, we were pregnant. How excited we were to know that we actually conceived during our honeymoon!
Our state of bliss came crashing down and sheer panic overwhelmed me once I learned that I was spotting. I was unable to be seen by a doctor because I wasn’t far enough along in my pregnancy. Days went by and the spotting turned into all out bleeding and I found myself in our local ER having an ultrasound. They eventually sent me home with their condolences, as well as instructions to rest and stay hydrated.
Reality set in, I was losing the baby and there wasn’t anything that could be done about it. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt like damaged goods. Many thoughts went through my mind and I felt like there wasn’t a person on this planet that could speak the healing words I needed to hear to awaken me from the state of slumber my mind was starting to slip into.
Miscarriages are never easy to navigate. I have found this to be true for the mother carrying the baby as well as the people in her life. Here are a few suggestions that would have come in handy when I experienced the loss of our babies:
- Allow yourself to feel. To be alive is to feel pleasure and pain. God never said that He would keep us from hard times, instead He invites us to invite Him into our hard times. Resist the urge to grow numb. For some people, expressing pain looks like crying. For others, it may look like yelling. Discover what your expression of pain looks like and allow yourself to express it.
- Understand your feelings. This is crucial to healing. I have read countless books and used many tools to actually process what I was feeling at times. I had no idea there were so many feelings and words that can be used to express them. If you are anything like me when I started learning the language of feelings, The Feelings Wheel is a great place to start.
- Communicate what you’re feeling. Communication isn’t limited to talking and can be done in many ways. I often pray, write, or sometimes share what I’m feeling to a trusted loved one. Reach out to community. If you don’t feel like you have anyone, search for a well-reviewed Christian counselor. Above all, I encourage you to communicate your feelings to the very One who can bring comfort and healing to your aching heart and allow Him to lead you through this process.
- Receive and extend grace. I have learned that this isn’t as easy as it seems. When you are suffering from a loss, it feels as though you are in a fog. Between seeking an explanation and trying to pick up the pieces of your life, you may feel lost. At times, you may even feel like it’s all your fault. May I suggest here that you be open to receiving this bit of grace? It isn’t your fault at all. Press in and genuinely pray with an open heart for God to overwhelm you with an understanding of His goodness. As for those around you, who may not know what to say, how to say it, or where to even begin to help, pray for them, give them grace and implement a plan to work through the loss together.